Vote For Your Favorite – Or, Submit Your Own Anecdote

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, ‘My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab!’ I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs —and I was in the wrong one.
— Submitted by Dr. M. M., San Francisco

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall. ‘Big breaths ” , I instructed. ‘Yes, they used to be,’ replied the patient.
— Submitted by Dr. R. B. , Seattle , WA

3. One day I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a ‘massive internal fart.’
— Submitted by Dr. S. S.

4. During a patient’s two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
“Which one?” I asked.
“The patch. The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I’m running out of places to put it!” I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn’t see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now our instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
— Submitted by Dr .R. S. C., Norfolk , VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, “How long have you been bedridden?’ After a look of complete confusion she answered. ‘Why, not for about twenty years – when my husband was alive.”
— Submitted by Dr. S. S., Corvallis , OR

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a woman I asked, “So how’s your breakfast this morning?”
“It’s very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem to get used to the taste,” the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled ‘KY Jelly.
— Submitted by Dr. L. K., Detroit , MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair, styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green , and above it there was a tattoo that read, ‘Keep off the grass.’ Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient’s dressing, which said, ‘Sorry, had to mow the lawn.’
— Submitted by RN, no name

AND FINALLY—

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment, I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing, further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, ‘I’m sorry. Was I tickling you?’ She replied, ‘No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, ‘I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener’.
— Dr. wouldn’t submit his name .

As a physician or as a patient, if you have a humorous, embarrassing medical moment, send it in and we’ll post it with or without your name [as you wish].

By Jonathan Weisman, April 11, 2008, The Washington Post – Freshman Rep. Kevin McCarthy (R) is a stickler for rules, a plus of sorts when you are one of six lawmakers serving on that quaintest of House entities, the 18th-century-vintage Franking Commission, which decides whether lawmakers’ constituent communications pass ethical muster.

He is also a Californian, a believer in the latest communications technology, especially video links to his own House performances. So when he discovered that embedding YouTube videos on his official Web site violated his commission’s prohibition on links to commercial sites, he brought the issue to the commission’s chairman, Rep. Michael Capuano (D-Mass.).

Capuano’s response may have been a tad cavalier — “just go ahead and do it; everyone else does” — but it did set the antiquated Franking Commission on a technological journey. The result is that within a month, that most modern of institutions, YouTube, plans to create a government ghetto, free of advertising, where lawmakers can post the videos of their choice.

Nobody has ever accused Congress of being particularly hip. Sen. Ted Stevens (R-Alaska) became something of a Luddite legend when he called the Internet “a series of tubes.”

“I make no bones about it. I don’t know anything about this stuff,” Capuano said with a shrug.

But they’re cottoning on. More than 100 House members have multimedia pages and YouTube links on their Web sites — all in violation of House rules that date to when lawmakers communicated with voters through snail mail and newsletters.

The reason is simple enough: The Franking Commission frowns on official links to campaign-related Web sites, political parties, advocacy groups and “any site the primary purpose of which is the conduct of commerce.”

Rep. Mike Pence (R-Ind.) has marveled aloud at the democratic possibilities presented by YouTube. But type his name in the YouTube search, click on his visit to Haditha, Iraq, and up pop related videos on Pence’s floor speeches, a Rush Limbaugh interview — and “Avril Lavigne-Hot.”

House and Senate members can use in-house video technology, but it’s slow and cumbersome, and the more lawmakers use the Capitol’s computer servers, the worse it gets. Just try using McCarthy’s squeaky-clean video gallery page. (Members of the Senate don’t seem to have a problem with creaky video service, however, because there are fewer of them.)

At a Franking Commission meeting earlier this year, McCarthy suggested directly embedding YouTube videos on lawmakers’ Web sites. Constituents would not be thrown to a commercial site, and would not wait endlessly watching their hourglass cursors. But even that pesky YouTube label on the lower right-hand corner was an advertisement of sorts.

So at a meeting this week, the commission hit on a compromise that could push House Web sites into the modern age of mass communications. Aides to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) put out a request for an easy-to-use video Web site that could establish a commercial-free zone devoid of Avril Lavigne footage or “Planet Unicorn” ring tones, another inexplicable byproduct of a search for Pence-related video.

Within a month, the one and only responder, YouTube, should have its commercial-free zone up and running, Capuano said. Republicans on the commission still fret that with only one such site, the House could be seen as picking winners and losers on the Web. Rep. Tom Price (R-Ga.), another commission member, said the panel’s Republicans want to keep the new rules fluid enough to use any future Web site that comes forward with a better plan.

“Technology moves fast. Congress moves slow,” he said.

But, hey, any video’s got to be better than the still-life photo gallery on Capuano’s admittedly old-school Web page.

“To me, the Web is a necessary evil,” he admitted, “like cellphones.”